


show your colors, paint me anew

by cornerstones



Series: colliding colors [3]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: (there should be a tag for that), Boys In Love, Established Relationship, Feelings, Fluff, Future Fic, Introspection, M/M, New Relationship, Relationship Study, develops into, yuzuvier is the worst kept secret at tcc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 11:03:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21196622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerstones/pseuds/cornerstones
Summary: In the past such moments where they were on the verge of an argument always left Javier feeling irritated and he's sure Yuzuru felt the same. They were bad at talking about things when in hindsight he knows all they needed was just a bit more time. The words would come to them eventually, after all.Then again, maybe their whole relationship needed time, maybe they found to each other exactly how they were meant to, at their own pace.-----As their relationship develops, Yuzu and Javi learn each other anew.





	show your colors, paint me anew

**Author's Note:**

> installment #3, who would have thought?
> 
> there are references to the two parts preceding this one, but if you don't wanna read those here's what you need to know to make sense of what they're talking about:
> 
> \- this continues directly where "painted with patience, soft hues blending" ended, with brian having a "talk" with them when he found out yuzu and javi were together  
\- at the beginning of the summer yuzu wondered what would happen with the spanish flag and he talked with brian about it and it was mentioned that they could hang their flags side by side; it doesn't happen in the fic explicitly but afterwards yuzu calls javi where he mentions that to him
> 
> ok that's it i think
> 
> oh and this is set in the summer right before the 20/21 season

When they're both in Javier's rental car on their way to his flat, Yuzuru is quiet.

It's nothing out of the usual: On long days like these where he stays at the Cricket Club for physio or a workout and to work on university stuff afterwards while waiting for Javier's shift to finish, he's normally quite tired and not as talkative. But this time, there's something gloomy about him, Javier notices.

He knows better by now than to outright ask him about it, so he thinks about what's happened today instead that could have put him in this mood. There was of course that slightly weird talk with Brian about their “new situation” right after they'd arrived at the Club.

Javier found it quite hilarious, if he was completely honest, but in a weird sense he also felt it was a nice gesture, something that made him think of his own caring yet slightly overbearing family.

He didn't get to talk with Yuzuru about it since they both had a job to do after all. He assumed he was fine with it as well but seeing the – for lack of a better word – pouting expression on his face tells another story.

“Well,” he starts talking, trying to sound somewhat casual, “that was an interesting day.”

Apparently Yuzuru catches on what he's referring to because his response is immediate. “It was embarrassing.”

“Ah, come on, it wasn't that bad.” He taps the steering wheel contemplatively to try and stop himself from reaching out to Yuzuru. “Brian just cares about us.”

“Not his business.” With that, he turns his head to look out of the window on the passenger side.

Javier wants to agree but he can't help but see it from his former coach's perspective as well. “It's... it's kind of... his business too, though.”

He expects the deadpan stare he gets for saying that but it still makes him squirm a bit. Hurriedly, he tries to explain: “I just mean – look, we're working together almost every day, so of course he's concerned about... you know, consequences.”

“Consequences,” he echoes, his voice giving nothing away.

“Yeah, you know, I mean like – “

“I know what you mean,” he interrupts sharply and for a moment neither of them says anything.

The silence hangs between them uncomfortably and Javier just concentrates on driving. He knows that they're going to figure this out, this weird tension, that they will talk but he also knows that it sometimes takes them a bit more time to find the appropriate words.

This is why in the past such moments where they were on the verge of an argument always left him feeling irritated and he's sure Yuzuru felt the same. They were bad at talking about things when in hindsight he knows all they needed was just a bit more time. The words would come to them eventually, after all.

Then again, maybe their whole relationship needed time, maybe they found to each other exactly how they were meant to, at their own pace.

Javier hears him breathing out deeply.

“I know what you mean,” Yuzuru repeats in a softer voice. “I just... I don't like he talks like that about. I feel like...”

As Yuzuru pauses to search for a proper translation, Javier lets out a quiet breath of his own. He knew they wouldn't leave each other hanging and leave something unresolved between them and yet a wave of relief washes through him at hearing Yuzuru's calm voice.

“When he says that, I feel like he doesn't think I can do it on my own. That _we_ can do it.”

Javier wants to smack his head because why didn't he think about this? Yuzuru neither likes his privacy getting invaded nor being suddenly questioned about something he feels vulnerable about. Of course he would feel uncomfortable about a situation like the one this morning.

“I understand,” he says because it's important to him – it's important that he shows Yuzuru that he does understand where he's coming from. “I don't think Brian doesn't trust us.”

“I know,” he huffs out frustratedly, a tiny whine coloring his voice that makes Javier bite his lip to keep from smiling fondly. “I know he trust us and he means good – no, he... he means well. But it's our relationship and I don't want someone's opinion to it. Not even our coach.”

“'Our coach'? Nope, not mine anymore, he's all your coach now, _nene_,” he tells him teasingly.

“Your boss,” Yuzuru counters in a dry tone without missing a beat.

“Ouch.” Dramatically, Javier presses a hand on his chest. “I mean, you're right but that hurt.”

It really didn't but his antics are worth it when he sees the grin on Yuzuru's face when he turns to face the window again. The silence engulfing them now is a hundred times more bearable and he doesn't feel like they have to hurry their conversation.

Javier busies himself with parking the car in front of his apartment building but neither of them makes any move to get out when he turns off the engine. He turns in his seat to finally properly look at Yuzuru, who soon mirrors him but keeps his eyes downcast.

Javier doesn't hesitate this time when he wants to reach out to him and swiftly takes his hand into his own. Yuzuru's fingers close around his at once.

“I'm... nervous,” Yuzuru says at last.

He doesn't know what he means exactly and there's that hint of worry in the back of his mind he's already so familiar with – that he misunderstood something and they don't want the same thing after all. But before he can jump to any conclusions he makes himself ask: “What are you nervous about?”

Yuzuru frowns, like he's embarrassed about what he's admitting. “I want Brian on our side.”

It's Javier's turn to frown. “What do you mean? Why 'on our side'?”

“Javi.” Yuzuru looks up then and his eyes are vulnerable but there's a resolve in them at the same time, a quiet confidence that he wears incomparably well. “When people know about us, they will talk, and is going to be very hard for us, so I need to know Brian and Tracy and all the others will have our back.”

Javier knows he's gaping but he needs to take a moment to process all of what Yuzuru just told him and what all of that implied.

This relationship is still so incredibly fresh and he can feel it in countless ways; like how he feels just helplessly giddy in this very moment over simply holding his hand like he does. And yet they're already so deeply familiar with each other that it could trick him into thinking they've always been this way, that they've always been sort of _together_.

But that doesn't change the fact that their first date was barely two weeks ago, that they've only just really come to terms about their own feelings and what they want from each other, and here they are, already having to worry about the future.

It's not how relationships should work usually and were the circumstances any different, he would be freaking out about this. Instead there's a spark of excitement and warm happiness tingling beneath his skin at the implication of Yuzuru's words.

“You want other people to know about us? You want to go public?”

His face morphs into a pained expression. “No. Well, I think... not now. But...” He looks down on their intertwined fingers, squeezes his hand. “Someday.”

Javier's heart feels so full, he can't help but pull their hands up to his face so he can press a kiss to the back of Yuzuru's hand.

Of course Yuzuru would already be thinking about this, about how they can handle their relationship and the public in the future. Because that's how Yuzuru works when he really wants something: he tries to prepare himself in every way possible while keeping his eyes on his goal with an unwavering devotion.

Javier feels unabashedly in love with this man.

His free hand cups his face and he gently swipes his thumb over Yuzuru's smooth cheek.

“I know it will be hard for us. It will be scary and hard but we... we will make it through. Okay?”

Yuzuru nods before leaning more into his touch and turning his head to press a quick kiss onto the palm of his hand. Javier's heart melts at the gesture.

“And I don't think you have to worry about Brian,” he adds quietly. “He told us he's happy for us. And I'm sure they will all support us.”

Yuzuru doesn't say anything but he gives him a soft smile before leaning over the console unhurriedly to kiss him.

When they make their way up to Javier's flat a few moments later, Javier can't help but think that yeah, they're getting better at this.

*

At some point Javier has stopped counting how many weeks he's been in Toronto because he knows he's not going to leave any time soon.

It would be a terrifying feeling if he wasn't so utterly _content_ with how his life is going right now. He enjoys this new routine and being on the ice again nearly every single day, only this time without putting his body through hard training but facing different challenges that he loves to tackle.

It gives him a new perspective on the sport and even more respect for his former coaching team because being on the other side of it exhausts him in completely unexpected ways. It's nothing he can't handle but it's an adjustment nevertheless.

In the weeks he's been back at Cricket, an ongoing joke between the younger skaters has developed when they feel cheeky and want to tease him, but that doesn't mean it isn't true; Javier does feel old.

He's not even thirty yet but he can feel it, that deep in his bones there is the constant reminder of his beloved sport that gives the illusion he's aged much more than the actual years he spent competing. It's okay, though, it doesn't make him regret his choices. And besides, since he's working at TCC now, physio is easily accessible most of the time.

However, there are moments when he completely forgets his age; like when he and Yuzuru are making out on his couch, giggling in between when their teeth clash, feeling giddy like a teenager sneaking around. Or like when he's mapping out Yuzuru's smooth skin and learns him in a new way and everything feels fresh and exciting. Or like when he feels Yuzuru move inside him for the first time and there's the almost overwhelming sensation of being so open and vulnerable and he just feels so full – full of heat and trust and _Yuzuru_ – that it takes his breath away.

So with all these new experiences, age doesn't scare him, not when it brings such wonderful change to his life.

But he knows Yuzuru is afraid of aging.

He's always implicitly known on some level, since he's watched Yuzuru wanting to outrun even himself from the beginning. It's not until one night though, where they're both lying in bed, Yuzuru's head nestled on his chest while his fingers fiddle with the collar of Javier's shirt, that he actually hears him voice it out loud.

“When I fell on quad sal today I didn't want to get up.”

His voice is hushed, as if he is telling him a secret that he's never told anyone else before. And in a way, Javier supposes – he is.

He brings up a hand to gently card his fingers through his hair before he asks, his voice devoid of any judgement: “Why didn't you want to get up?”

For a moment Yuzuru is silent but then he lets out a long breath and tilts his head, effectively hiding his face in his cotton shirt. “Is so hard, Javi.”

He can feel his hand tightening in the fabric of his shirt, so Javier starts massaging his scalp with his fingers in slow, circular movements, waiting for him to continue.

“Sometimes I just feel so... tired. And everything hurting. And sometimes is so hard to keep going because I know it will never get easy – easi_er_.”

Even in this position Javier can sense how his shoulders slump infinitesimally.

“I get old,” he says wistfully, his voice nothing more than a breath.

“Oh, Yuzu...”

Javier wraps his arms around him to pull him even closer. Frowning, he nuzzles his hair at the top of his head, hoping it will somehow convey just how much he feels for him, how at this point all he wants to do is keep him safe.

And to a degree, he knows he can manage that – but there are greater forces that he cannot fight against, and sometimes he fears the strongest one is Yuzuru's own perception of himself.

He doesn't think there are any words for him to say that could possibly help him with this because this is something Javier has experienced himself. He knows what it feels like when you notice your body doesn't move as easily as even merely a year ago and when you don't land a jump, the fall feels much more painful.

It's disappointing at best and shatteringly discouraging at worst and he hates that Yuzuru has to suffer through this.

But then again, this is Yuzuru Hanyu and he's always been tougher than the rest of them.

“I know this is hard for you,” he says. “But I also know that you are so strong. You get through it.”

Yuzuru looks up then, resting his chin on his chest, mouth hidden behind his curled hand. His anguished eyes are shining in the dim light.

“How did you get through it, Javi?”

Javier swipes his thumb over his brow, his cheekbone, the corner of his eye.

“I had you.”

His eyes widen the tiniest bit and Javier smiles in reminiscence of their days as training mates.

“You make skating look very easy, Yuzu,” he tells him fondly, without any malice in his heart. “But I also saw how hard you were working every day and that you never took anything for granted. It kept me going.”

Yuzuru averts his eyes then, seemingly in thought, and Javier goes back to stroking a hand through his hair. They never explicitly talked about this but part of him has always hoped Yuzuru just somehow knew how much he's helped him, even if he didn't do so on purpose.

But, as with everything else, maybe he shouldn't have simply assumed that without clarifying anything, he thinks to himself. There's probably a lot that's been left unsaid between them that they should talk about, but this is not the right time, he knows.

“I'm sorry I can't do the same for you now,” he admits quietly. He doesn't admit how helpless he feels and how he doesn't know how to support him because he doesn't want Yuzuru to feel like he's left alone with this.

Yuzuru's eyes snap up to his again, still anxious but trusting all the same.

“But you will still be here for me?”

His voice is so vulnerable and hopeful, Javier can't believe he trusts him enough to share these feelings with him, feelings that Yuzuru most probably sees as weaknesses. And yet he's here in his arms, in his bed and bares his heart.

“Yes, I will.” His voice is hushed in an effort to keep his emotions at bay. “For as long as you want me, _cariño_.”

A light blush rises in Yuzuru's cheeks at that and he scolds him gently: “Don't say that if you don't mean it, Javi.”

“Good thing that I mean it then.”

His eyes are growing visibly damp and he presses his lips together in a tight but nevertheless loving smile before he hides his face in his chest again. As Javier is stroking his back he's willing to ignore the wetness staining his shirt if Yuzuru doesn't want to acknowledge it, but he doesn't ignore the chaste kisses he feels even through the fabric.

*

It's a late evening in August when they find themselves being the last ones on the ice. It's Javier's turn to close the rink that night and since Yuzuru's session stretched a little longer than usual they decided they could take that bit of extra time for themselves.

Without any words they start doing well-routined stroking exercises to cool down their tired bodies. It's something that feels completely natural between them and it calms Javier's mind like nothing else.

The easy laps around the rink, the rhythmic turns of their blades, the familiar sound of their edge work, all of it is such a grounding experience for him, some part of him doesn't quite want to stop their movements. Javier can't help but feel like they have finally reached a stage in their relationship that almost feels as easy as doing this.

Finally everything seems to simply gel, to flow a hundred times easier than before when they were both chasing medals. This is still work but with a completely different goal and mentality; this is about mending and endurance and meeting each other halfway. He feels like they are both ready now to work together.

Eventually they slow down and end up skating lazy laps around the rink. It's a quiet night and for some reason Javier feels nostalgic; he lets his eyes roam over the ice and the plaques, over Yuzuru's form and over the wall of flags.

It still brings a smile to his face, seeing his name and his flag up there and it fills him with warmth that only a few flags down there's Yuzuru's as well. It's weird to think that their journey started right here – and that after so many years, they come back to each other in this place, against all odds.

"Javi?" he suddenly hears Yuzuru ask and only then does he notice he's stopped skating.

His gaze follows his voice and he sees him skate towards Javier, his blades leaving behind a trail of elegant lines in the ice.

"You okay?"

His brows tare slightly furrowed in worry. Javier wants to reach out a hand to smooth them out and it takes him a second to realize that he can do that now. As soon as he touches his skin, Yuzuru leans into his hand unconsciously.

"I'm fine, _cariño_. Just thinking."

Standing with Yuzuru underneath the flags reminds him of their strange and yet hesitantly hopeful call at the beginning of summer.

The memory makes him grin as he asks him: "You know, I think it would be nice to have our flags next to each other someday."

"Javi...!" Yuzuru whines, hiding his face in the palm of Javier's hand that's still resting on his cheek.

"What, it's a nice idea, no?"

"Stop, is embarrassing! I was embarrassing!"

"You really weren't," Javier says in a less teasing tone of voice. Because, yes, while the beginning of their talk maybe was a bit awkward indeed, they did fall into a comfortable back and forth quickly. It had felt sort of familiar, like common ground, and yet there was a thrill of excitement present as well, a spark that was promising something _new_. And Javier cannot deny that hearing his voice, hearing him say "_hi Javi_" when he picked up the phone made his heart flutter uncontrollably.

Yuzuru, who has brought his hands up to cradle Javier's for more coverage, peeks out of his hiding place.

"I was scared," he says secretively.

Javier raises his eyebrows, not quite believing his words.

"What, of me?"

Yuzuru nods as if it's obvious. "Yes. I was always scared of you."

This doesn't make any sense, but Javier knows better than to not trust Yuzuru's feelings. So instead of disagreeing, he simply asks: "Why were you scared of me?"

For a long moment Yuzuru just looks at him, his gaze pensive but open. Then he says in a soft voice: "At first because you were so good and I was scared to lose gold medal to you. And later because you are so... I was scared you make me weak. Too soft."

His words are not rushed but there's a slightly sour twinge to his mouth that tells him that he's still ashamed of his past feelings. Javier knows this is not something he can resolve for Yuzuru, he can't get rid of those negative feelings for him, as much as he might want to.

"And why were you scared of calling me?" he asks, his voice barely more than a murmur.

"Because I missed you," he says. Then he adds, a small and bittersweet smile on his face: "And I was scared you don't miss me, too."

"I did," he responds instantly. "God, Yuzu, I really missed you."

"I know."

_Good_, Javier thinks, and brings his other hand up to frame Yuzuru's face. Yuzuru in turn loosens the grip he's had on his wrist and lets his hands drop down to his waist. His smile is lighter now, his lips curved delicately.

Javier takes a breath as he lets all of this slowly sink in – the surreality of the moment, this summer that he never would have seen coming, the trust in Yuzuru's eyes as he lets himself be held.

“Are you scared of me now?” he asks because he needs to know, he needs to know if he has to do better for Yuzuru.

“No. I know you are safe.”

His voice doesn't waver and his eyes don't stray from his as he says it. The expression on his face is sincere and steady and he says it with such a disarming nonchalance as if there isn't any doubt in his mind about this; as if he doesn't doubt Javier and what they now have.

He still hasn't grown used to it, to hearing Yuzuru say something romantic like that, always so casually as if he doesn't realize how his words make Javier's breath hitch every time he does so.

He strokes his thumbs over his cheeks and delights in how a gesture so simple can make Yuzuru look at him so lovingly.

“I know you like to concentrate on work when you're on the ice and you want us to stay professional,” he starts, wanting to lighten the mood a little bit – admittedly more for his own sake because sometimes everything does feel a bit overwhelming. Not in a manner that makes him want to run, but he can't deny that it's a lot: Yuzuru opening up to him in the way that he has, that he continues to do.

“But I really want to kiss you right now.”

At his words, Yuzuru rolls his eyes fondly but doesn't hesitate to pull him closer by the waist. Their lips find each other easily and Javier hopes Yuzuru can hear in the way that he kisses him the words he cannot verbalize in this moment.

The kiss is cold at first, just like the air around them and the ice beneath their blades, and it feels like coming home.

His hands tighten in Javier's shirt and a sound escapes Yuzuru's throat, not quite a moan but an undeniably _wanting_ sound that makes his skin prickle.

Never would he have thought they would end up quite like this, even so he cannot help but feel that this is exactly where they were always heading: on the ice, with bodies and hearts intertwined.

*

The beginning of the season makes Javier admittedly nervous. This whole summer has been a blessing in many ways, but mostly it gave him and Yuzuru time to find each other and to grow together again, to find their footing in this relationship in their own time and with no competitions coming between them.

It almost seemed like a vacation from reality, he thinks. But even if that might be the case, that doesn't mean that with the end of summer comes the end of their relationship as well.

It's a reassuring thought and yet it does make Javier a bit jittery – because while it might not be uncharted territory for him to handle a relationship and the competitiveness of the season, it is for Yuzuru. And besides, it's not like Javier could compare what they have with anything else he's experienced in his life so far anyway.

But then Autumn Classic International draws closer and closer and they do what they've always done best in their careers – they're adapting and working with what they're given and it's actually... not bad.

Of course, the time they can spend together is more limited now and Yuzuru tends to be a bit more intense, but it helps that even on the days they can't spend together privately they still see each other a lot. And Yuzuru's intensity is nothing Javier isn't used to.

With that mindset, Autumn Classic comes and goes, without Javier attending because all of them agree that his position at Cricket is still a bit too fresh for him to join them for competitions just yet. He breathes a sigh of relief though when it's over and Yuzuru returns in the evening, even though they don't get to see each other that day or the next when he has the day off to rest his body.

It's not unbearable but it surprises Javier how quickly he comes to miss him, especially since it's only been a few days and they've even been in the same time zone the whole time. It's almost like ever since Javier got a taste of what it means to have Yuzuru's unfiltered, undivided affection he can't seem to get enough of it.

In the more quiet moments that are devoid of distractions and work, he feels his body craving his touch and his heart longing for his smile. Javier knows he's always tended to be romantic bordering on sappy but the way his emotions are spiraling is... _a lot_ even for his standards. If he wasn't so far gone for this man, he would be at least a little bit embarrassed about his own thoughts.

Then again, it helps to know that he's not alone in this though. He can tell by the soft smile playing around Yuzuru's lips and his tired but light laugh when they had a quick video call the night before that he aches for him too.

Fortunately, they don't have to wait too long, Javier thinks as he catches a glimpse of the clock hanging on one of the walls in the rink for the umpteenth time today. Neither Jun nor Jason, who he mostly works with this afternoon, comments on it but they do send him a smirk whenever they skate over to him to discuss an element.

After the third time it's happened, Javier takes the bait.

“What are you smiling about?” he asks Jason when he takes a minute to take a drink.

His grin only increases when he says: “Oh it's nothing, just... well, you would think you two were not used to be apart from each other." His voice is teasing but his smile is kind.

"Maybe we got a bit too used to it," Javier says unthinkingly and instantly worries he's revealed too much. "Shit, I shouldn't have –“

"No, don't worry! I won't tell anyone about any of it."

He wasn't exactly scared about that but it's still nice to hear that he's got their backs.

“Thank you. Yuzu values that a lot."

"It's the least we can do for both of you," Jason assures him and takes another drink. As he puts his bottle away though, a good-natured grin grows on his face. "And there are enough people here at the club to gossip with about you two."

Javier groans in jest.

"Don't worry, it's only nice stuff! We're all just really happy for you guys!" he laughs.

"Okay okay, no more talk about this – let's talk about your sal."

Jason winces jokingly but he goes with the change of topic without complaint.

Javier is in the middle of discussing Jason's landing of his quad salchow when the doors open. From afar he takes note of Yuzuru stepping onto the ice and he turns his head to throw him a smile – when he stops altogether at seeing Yuzuru's expression.

He's not looking in his direction, instead he adjusts his gloves and makes to skate some laps around the rink. Even from the distance Javier can tell that he's seething.

“Oh shit,” he says under his breath.

“Wow, what's... what happened?” Jason asks carefully.

Javier swallows, feeling uncomfortably helpless. “I have no idea.”

Apparently it's not something Yuzuru wants to talk about because he keeps to himself and doesn't seem to acknowledge anyone around him. Javier knows he probably just has to let him be for a while, though he can't help but wonder what's gotten into him, he did seem genuinely okay last night during their call.

He tries to get back to work with Jason and Jun but his eyes keep straying back over to Yuzuru, who, after he warmed up, starts skating at an almost breakneck speed. Javier can only watch on with something akin to horror crawling up his spine as Yuzuru throws himself into a quad lutz – and lands it cleanly, thankfully.

But it doesn't make him stop, instead he keeps going at the same pace, basically drilling quads and the occasional triple onto the ice, all landed safely but his movements are this side on too manic that it, quite frankly, scares Javier.

It's been a long time since Javier's witnessed him have a training session with such a negative and still driven mindset and he has no idea how to act now.

That is, he knows how he _wants_ to act: he wants to skate up to Yuzuru, take his hands if he lets him and let him share his burden, whatever it might be. But he's not his training partner anymore, he's working as an instructor and coach now and no matter how much his heart longs for him, no matter how badly he wants to put him first, he doesn't think he can in this situation.

Suddenly, the talk that Brian had with them all those weeks ago holds more truth now; now that he finds himself stuck between duty and inclination.

Before he can agonize over this more, he sees Tracy skate over to the edge of the rink where Yuzuru has just stopped to get a tissue. She is talking to him with a frown and Yuzuru's shoulders are tense, his eyes averted and looking very much pissed off. Even though his expression doesn't change, eventually he nods, throwing away the tissue and getting his bottle before stalking off of the ice in the direction of the locker rooms.

The instinct to skate after him comes so sudden and with such a force, Javier has to hold onto himself physically to keep himself from following him.

When the door swings shut behind Yuzuru, Tracy turns around, eyes focusing on him immediately before making her way over to where he's standing. At once, Javier feels ashamed for acting so unprofessionally, after all he had promised Brian that Yuzuru and his relationship wouldn't affect either of their work ethic.

As soon as Tracy is close enough, he wants to apologize but she beats him to it by addressing the two skaters around him instead.

“Jason, Jun, I'll take it from here for the rest of your session.”

She waits for their affirmative nods and for them start getting back to work before she turns her attention to Javier once again.

“You can leave early today.”

“...I'm sorry, what?” he asks, gaping.

She just shakes her head and gives him a caring smile. “I have an idea what got Yuzu so riled up and I'm sure you're the best person to be there for him now.”

He wants to leave the second the words are out of her mouth but he makes himself ask her again, because he doesn't want to leave them hanging and to not do his job properly. “Are you really sure? I can –“

“Javi,” she interrupts him. “Just go. It's okay.”

Not having to hear anything more, he thanks her quickly but sincerely, and hurriedly skates away. He has barely put the skate guards on when he pushes the door open and makes his way towards the locker room Yuzuru always frequents.

Taking a deep breath, he tries to prepare himself for whatever he will be confronted with there and yet he's still surprised at what he sees.

It's not a loudly complaining, angry Yuzuru, neither a silently crying one. He simply sits on one of the benches, skates still on his feet and phone in his hand, glaring at it intently.

When he looks up at Javier, he does a slight double take, as if he hadn't expected him and something in his gaze shifts. He looks so vulnerable, he realizes.

Without saying anything, Javier kneels down right before him and starts untying his laces. Neither of them says anything as he works the first boot off and does the same with the other one. Once he's done, he puts soakers on the blades and carefully puts them aside.

He looks up to face Yuzuru again, who looks at him with wide eyes full of emotion. His lips are drawn together in a tight line.

“How about you do you some stretches while I take my skates off and get our stuff?” he asks quietly, his hand resting on his knee.

It takes him a moment to react, but eventually Yuzuru nods his head and hesitantly gets up to gather his fitness mat and set it up where he has enough space for his post-skate stretches.

Javier doesn't rush his movements to give Yuzuru the chance to properly cool his muscles as well as his racing mind down. He's familiar enough with his routine though that he can tell that he skips some exercises. It gives Javier the impression that Tracy was right in giving them the chance to have a moment for themselves; Yuzuru does want him here.

With that thought he can feel some of his nerves calm down – Yuzuru is here with him, he's not in any danger to hurt himself on the ice right now, and they're going to figure this out, no matter what it is.

Javier has just finished up gathering all their belongings when he notices Yuzuru getting up and shaking his limbs out a bit. With his head tilted down, he walks up to Javier to sit down next to him on the bench. Their hands reach for each other automatically.

“Hey there,” Javier murmurs. Carefully, he strokes his thumb over Yuzuru's. “Your body feeling okay?”

He breathes out heavily. “Yeah. I'm fine, Javi, don't worry. I don't have pain.”

He trusts him with that, because in the end that's all he can do: trust Yuzuru. And so he also trusts him to open up about what's happened when he's ready.

They sit in silence for a bit until Yuzuru finally speaks, his voice carefully neutral.

"I wasn't good at Autumn Classic."

It's such a Yuzuru thing to say that Javier can feel a fond smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Because maybe he wasn't at his top form during the competition but he was still Yuzuru – mesmeric and breathtaking. And anyway, it was only a challenger competition after all, he shouldn't be at his best already.

But he knows that Yuzuru knows that as well, he's been too long in this sport and understands his own body too well not to know it, so Javier is sure that he's not fishing for compliments right now.

When Yuzuru doesn't elaborate, he implores cautiously: "Is that what bothers you?"

He shakes his head after a moment, his eyes staring at their intertwined hands.

"There is... I found article this morning about my skate."

_Oh no_, he thinks, wincing.

Javier is aware that Yuzuru is – somehow – always lurking on the internet, constantly up to date about other skaters and what's being said about him. He'd like to think Yuzuru's become good at filtering through it though, and not letting the negative and outright slandering voices affect him too much.

But then again, he's already seen firsthand that he doesn't always manage that. Some of those voices are quite exuberant in their hatred and generally, people tend to forget just how deeply sensitive Yuzuru truly is. He's ashamed to admit that even he can still forget that as well, from time to time.

Javier opens his mouth to tell him to please, _please_ don't listen to them, those people are the very last ones he has anything to prove to, but Yuzuru already speaks up again.

"They say because you are here now, I can't skate well anymore," he lets out in a rush, his voice pained.

Javier is stumped, completely speechless. That's definitely not what he's anticipated.

Yuzuru swallows audibly.

"They say you are... you are distracting. That you make me lose focus." He visibly has to force the words out as if they were leaving a rancid taste in his mouth. His nose scrunches up in distaste as he's seemingly recalling the words he's read this morning.

"They say they can see from my skate at ACI that you are not a good coach," he bites out forcefully, bitterly.

Suddenly he looks up at him, his expression twisted with frustration but more than that, with hurt – and it's all on behalf of Javier.

"That's why I need to be better. They're wrong, because you only make me stronger. I have to show that you make me better."

All Javier can do right now is stare at him wide-eyed. His heart flutters.

He's learned to read between the lines with Yuzuru, to understand what he's saying without words, and _this_... this is a love declaration if he ever heard one.

Surprising both of them, he rushes forward to capture Yuzuru's lips.

The startled noise he lets out quickly melts into a sigh as Javier kisses him hard but no less loving. His free hand cards through the hair at the back of his neck, holding him close even as their lips part in between kisses. They're both panting slightly, even so Javier can't stop his lips from connecting with Yuzuru's again and again until it almost feels like they're molded into one being.

Everything feels bright and terrifying and absolutely incredible.

"Yuzu..." he mumbles with his forehead resting against his, eyes closed.

He wants to say _I don't care what they say about me_; wants to say _whatever you do, please be safe_; wants to say _god, I love you too_.

"Thank you," he says, his voice hushed like he's sharing a secret. Javier can feel him looking at him, confusion basically radiating off of Yuzuru.

Smiling, he leans back a bit and opens his eyes to look at him and there he is, blinking his eyes rapidly with his head cocked to the side, puzzlement written all over his face.

"Thank you," he repeats and lifts their hands to rest them against his chest. "For taking care of me."

The words feel easier than he would have ever suspected. He thought they would feel shameful or humiliating, instead they feel like a relief, like he knows they're for the right person and that Yuzuru understands what they mean to him.

Yuzuru huffs, face still flushed from his time on the ice and from being thoroughly kissed, and with a smaller voice he says: "I want to."

The _because you're always taking care of me too_ is left unsaid, for the moment at least, but Javier can hear it nevertheless. He caresses his fingers over the hair at his nape, content to simply look at this man in his arms for a minute. He lets this feeling sink – the feeling of shelter and trust and love – and revels in it.

After leaning in for yet another short kiss, simply because he can, Javier asks: "Do you want to go home now?"

He doesn't think about his words and he realizes a second too late that they could be easily misunderstood. Before he gets to clarify what he means though, a warm smile spreads over Yuzuru's face. He doesn't ask what he means specifically but he still gives him an answer with his smile reflected in his voice.

"I do."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! <3


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